What is the Latin for Guido? It’s Gaius, surely; and Gaia for Guidette. Just enjoy the gravitas for a moment. Beyond that, it’s hard to think of what the Romans would make of Jersey Shore. Hmm. Cicero didn’t like women getting drunk – he thought it made them look rustic. Ovid on the other hand thought it was fine.
It’s hard to imagine either of these greats approving of tanning products. To look pale would have been a sign of being well-born. But there’s plenty of information about what a Gaia would have used to conceal blemishes. Patches. Elephant dung. You could pay a lot of money on getting lanolin made from unwashed Greek sheep (seriously). But getting those lurid tans that made Snooki the butt of an Obama joke? Not very Roman.
Still, I’ve been skimming through Ovid’s The Art of Love to see if the poet has any consolation for Snooki, in the wake of Emilio Masella’s desertion. Ovid’s censures are especially relevant after the news, reported on TMZ, that Emilio wishes he’d made a sex-tape with Snooki. (How extraordinary, btw, to have this captured on film. Is there room for a sub-genre of the sex tape, viz., a tape of people planning to make a sex tape?) Here’s Ovid on sex for the sake of celebrity:
In modern times we seek fame from a shag,
and all we’re after is the power to brag.
You probe women wherever and, what’s sadder,
it’s simply so that you can say, I’ve had her.
Is there no shortage of the girls you handle,
then point at, offering some tale of scandal?
Yes, Emilio, he means you.
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